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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24734524">Sickening</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse of Authority, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Brother/Brother Incest, Childhood Trauma, Crying, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Lack of Communication, M/M, Nightmares, Non-Consensual Groping, Non-Consensual Touching, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Sexual Assault, Sibling Incest</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:09:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,297</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24734524</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Connor and Nines are five years apart.</p>
<p>Nines tries his best to cope with what has happened in the past, along with other issues that he can’t bring himself fix, involving being unable to open up, his emotionally detachment and losing those who have only ever wanted to help him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Connor/Upgraded Connor | RK900, Upgraded Connor | RK900 &amp; Gavin Reed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Anonymous</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Sickening</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>“It is what it is. Isn't that how these things always go? They are what they are. We just get to cope.” - Mira Grant</p>
<p>tw: childhood sexual assault</p>
<p>I'm unsure if the tags are very accurate, there is no graphic description within the work however I didn't believe that it was suitable to not mark it under rape/non-con and underage as it contains Nines not consenting to being touched at a very young age.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Nobody <em>believes</em> you, Nines,” the spitting image of himself says, and he flickers his eyes towards his similar copy, scanning the man's face, taking steps back as he tries to collect his breath, not wanting to accept the person in front of him, trying to calm himself down. There are those warm brown eyes instead of icy blue, much softer features compared to his and a slimmer smaller body and he tries to put as much distance between him and his brother, the terror evident on Nines’ face, feeling his brother grasp his wrist, refusing to let go despite his terror.</p>
<p>“Let go of me! Please stop it-“ Nines began to say and his beloved brother reaches up to cup his face, causing him to instantly shutting him up, baby blue eyes widening in fear and he’s rooted to the spot, doing his best to understand what Connor was trying to achieve from this, watching his older brother’s every move despite shaking from the unexpected touch, wishing that Connor would just let go, that he’d stop it.</p>
<p>“People think you’re <em>delusional</em>, Nines. That you’ve imagined the whole scenario in your head, that you <em>need</em> help, Nines,” His brother cooed softly, his lips curving into a malicious grin as he flicks out his tongue to lick the shell of Nines’ ear, and it’s as if Nines can’t budge, he can’t move at all, can’t find the strength to fight back against his older brother, his body frozen in place, his breathing becoming heavier as he tries to calm himself despite the predicament he’s in.</p>
<p>Nobody <em>believes</em> Nines.</p>
<p>Nobody <em>ever</em> has.</p>
<p>Nobody believes that his sweet older brother Connor had groped him countless times as a child, before he had even turned double digits and Nines had tried so hard to <em>normalize</em> those agonizing long touches, believing that if he had just let Connor’s hands wander, squeeze a little bit here and there that it’d simply just be over in due time.</p>
<p>It never left him feeling good.</p>
<p>This had continued for years, much longer than it should have. He tried to talk to their parents about it, and they had given Connor a small warning, nothing more than a slap on the back and it was then that Nines had decided he’d never speak up about it again. </p>
<p>He tried so hard to bury that aspect of his life deep away, to normalize it, to cope with it in his early teenage years, and yet despite his best efforts, he was confronted with it once again on an agonizing summer day back in June in his adolescent years, when he shoved Connor off of him, telling his older brother to fuck off, storming away from Connor who had gotten riled up and angry at Nines’ blatant disrespect. It was only after he stormed away and locked himself in his room, safe away from Connor that he realized how disgusting and wrong his brother’s behavior had been, how sickening it’d been when they hadn’t spoken to each other for several days and he hoped that within that short timeframe, that Connor would eventually come to his senses, that Connor realized what he had been doing was wrong.</p>
<p>Connor soon returned to his <em>regular</em> ways.</p>
<p>Nines dreaded it when he heard that his older brother was picking him up from a sleepover instead of their father. Nines couldn’t help but be on edge whenever his older brother was around. Those instances when Connor would suddenly barge into his room and talk about his day, discussing a new hobby he had picked up, making music compositions and having Nines listen to them at times, telling him about something that had happened at his workplace or someone that he was into for the time being.</p>
<p>Connor never asked about Nines.</p>
<p>Nines remembers when Connor would flop down beside him and Nines would be anything but relaxed, tensing up immediately and pulling the blanket over himself, shielding his body from his older brother and trying his best to avoid any physical contact with him, inching away if his brother dared to move even an inch closer, fearing that he’d get groped once again, trying to remain calm in his brother’s presence.</p>
<p>Like <em>normal</em>.</p>
<p>There was no chance for them to ever be <em>normal</em> after what Connor had put Nines through.</p>
<p>Occasionally, there were a few times that Nines thought they could have been normal, that Connor had truly felt bad for what he had put Nines through and had been trying to make up for it by buying his younger brother gifts here and there as Connor grew older.</p>
<p>They <em>never</em> brought it up.</p>
<p>Neither of them had ever brought up Connor’s <em>touches</em>.</p>
<p>Nines was scared to bring it up, so he never had done so. He was terrified of his older brother, of the power that Connor had, that he had kept silent about this the entire time they’d grown grew up together, trying his best to cope with it, doing his best to make it past every June, as his thoughts drift back to what had happened then.</p>
<p>He <em>hates</em> June for this very reason.</p>
<p>It’s a month full of bad memories, going through various mental states and convincing himself that he’s okay, that he’ll be able to make it just fine this June, that everything is <em>alright</em>, Connor can no longer hurt nor touch him, however, it still haunts him to this very day.</p>
<p>There are so many things that Nines refuses to open up about and this happens to be one of them.</p>
<p>His inability to open up has had detrimental effects on his relationships. So many people have only ever wanted to get to know Nines, their intention had never been to hurt him in the process and yet he can’t open up, can’t talk to them about how disgusting and violating it had felt.</p>
<p>He feels so <em>alone</em> in this.</p>
<p>He slowly began to lose interest in the little things, the joy no longer remains there anymore for various activities he had once enjoyed doing. His disinterest often gets the better of him and he repeatedly ends up distancing himself from people before he ends up getting hurt, before he can hurt them.</p>
<p>It’s better this way, he thought.</p>
<p>He doesn’t want to feel hurt.</p>
<p>Not again. Not again.</p>
<p>He doesn’t ever want to be dependent on someone to the point where he’s looking forward to talking to them every single day, that he doesn’t feel complete without talking to them, practically craving for any scrap of attention from them. He doesn’t want to put that much effort into someone and have it be unreturned, doesn’t ever want to go through that again. He never ever wants to feel <em>humiliated</em> again.</p>
<p>He doesn’t want to feel the humiliation he felt when he had tried so eagerly for people who didn’t feel as strongly as he did, for people who could have cared less about him.</p>
<p>And that...</p>
<p>That had been something that has affected him ever since his adolescent years, he finds it difficult to talk to people nowadays and only keeps a few friends close yet keeps his distance from them, scared of letting them truly see him for who he is.</p>
<p><em>Vulnerable</em>.</p>
<p>Nines has always been <em>vulnerable</em>.</p>
<p>But he’s learned many things amongst the years. He’s learned more about behaviors, has been more aware of his own behaviors now more than ever and conscious of his emotional detachment towards people. His emotional detachment had originally sprouted from his constant emotional exhaustion from giving all he could give to people, from trying to keep up things he knew could never work out and yet he tried anyways, giving in to the urge to keep things going despite knowing the other person’s decaying interest in him. Some would call him stupid, and yes, he had been, but he knew that he was just prolonging something that would end sooner or later.</p>
<p>It always <em>hurt</em> when it ended.</p>
<p>It was no different to the hurt he had experienced when he had <em>lost</em> Gavin.</p>
<p>When Nines felt like Gavin had been one of the very few people he could trust, he tried so hard to keep Gavin around for as long as he could. He tried his very best and yet he couldn’t, their decaying interest in each other was evident to those around then. Gavin was not his to keep, and <em>never</em> had been.</p>
<p>Gavin was so close yet so far, it was only a matter of time before the connection between them eventually broke. And Nines had known that so well, that he ended things abruptly before it could have had a large emotional impact on him.</p>
<p>Losing Gavin didn’t hurt that much at first.</p>
<p>It felt strangely peaceful when he had cut off all ties with his former best friend, and Nines thought he was actually doing surprisingly well after losing one of his closest friends.</p>
<p>It took several weeks before he finally broke down, caved into his desires to reach out to Gavin again and that, that he did. They’ve tried so hard to make things work between the two of them, like how it used to be between the two. Nines tried his very best to keep up the conversation even though it often fell short between the two of them, and only a week later, Gavin had made up his mind regarding their relationship, that it wasn’t going to last, that things would never be the same as they used to be.</p>
<p>And Nines? Nines had to accept it despite how much he didn’t want to.</p>
<p>“I don’t think this is going to work, Nines,” Gavin had texted Nines one day and the man could feel his heart drop when he had glanced over the text, trying his best to calmly converse with his best friend despite the anxieties quickly brooding in his stomach. After they had finished talking, he lost his appetite and locked himself up for a day or two, trying to comprehend everything that had just happened in such a small period of time, and cried from how inadequate he felt as a friend, wishing that everything was like how they used to be.</p>
<p>He wishes that he could keep up a conversation for long periods of time without feeling shitty, that he could go back to how he used to be and yet he can’t.</p>
<p>Did he regret reaching out to Gavin?</p>
<p>No, Nines had never regretted that. He was pleased that they were both able to get closure from the initial abrupt ending of their friendship and believed it had been something that they both needed.</p>
<p>But he <em>wishes</em> that they still talked to this very day.</p>
<p>Left and right, he had only began to lose more and more friends since then, started to slowly close himself off from the few friends he had and even struggled to communicate with them.</p>
<p>Nines couldn’t even give people something as simple as communication.</p>
<p>It’s <em>pathetic</em> really.</p>
<p>He learned about another side of himself. The one that studied people’s behaviors, and used things that they sought validation on, to get on their good side, the part of him that compliments people despite never meaning it, kissing up to those he found useful. He finds himself putting on the facade more and more, it feels nice to have people despite not really having them, the mask he puts on nearly never leaving his face.</p>
<p>However, it occasionally lifts.</p>
<p>Around people, he feels that he can express... his difficulties. He doesn’t talk about his difficulties often, favoring for a conversation more entertaining than depressing usually. However, there are his bad days. And as of late, there’s been many of those recently.</p>
<p>Some people will <em>never</em> truly understand.</p>
<p>And he’s glad that they don’t. It’s easier this way. It’s <em>easier</em> pretending that things didn’t happen, that he’s doing okay as of now.</p>
<p>Except he’s not.</p>
<p>He’s face to face with the person who had molested him for years before he had even turned ten. And he can’t stop shaking in his older brother’s touch, trying to move yet he can’t budge at all, his heart thudding rapidly in his chest.</p>
<p>He feels rooted to the spot, frozen in place, peering down at those warm welcoming brown eyes.</p>
<p>Nines remembers why he felt as if he couldn’t ever tell anyone.</p>
<p>Connor had always been able to talk his way out of anything and is everything that Nines wished he could be. His older brother has a loving spouse, plenty of friends who supported him despite not knowing his brother’s true vile nature and has a stable job working as a detective working in the DPD.</p>
<p>It’s so easy for Connor to put everything that he’d done to Nines behind him.</p>
<p>But Nines hasn’t and won’t ever be able to forget about what his beloved brother had done to him.</p>
<p>He finally manages to find the strength to speak up, the words escaping his lips faster than he could have processed them and he shakes himself out of his brother’s grasp, putting some distance between the two of them, the anxiety quickly bubbling up in his stomach whenever confrontation occurs.</p>
<p>“What you put me through wasn’t a delusion, Connor. I’ve told you to stop, multiple times, yet you’ve never listened to me,” he’s doubted if it had really happened numerous times however he knows it has, he remembers every single second of it, the unpleasant feeling in his stomach afterward and how he’d been powerless to stop it from happening, again and again, the unwanted touches lingering his body, how his brother had gotten angry with him when he’d tried to fight back against him.</p>
<p>He remembers every <em>single</em> second of what he went through.</p>
<p>And it’s <em>unfair</em>.</p>
<p>It is so <em>unfair</em>.</p>
<p>It’s unfair that Connor gets to live scot-free without any <em>consequences</em>, not having to deal with the trauma he had put Nines through.</p>
<p>If it had been anybody else besides a family member, there would have been action taken against his assaulter, Nines would have been able to speak up about it and yet he couldn’t, he couldn’t speak up about what Connor had done to him all those years.</p>
<p>He just couldn’t.</p>
<p>“Stop?” Connor chuckles, darkly, and took a step closer which caused Nines to take a step back and try to stop himself from shaking in his older brother’s presence. He isn’t afraid of Connor, he isn’t terrified of his older brother, not in the slightest, he desperately tries to convince himself and attempts to even out his breathing to the best of his ability, slowly steadying it.</p>
<p>“You know, that’s not very kind of you to lie, Richard,” the corners of Connor’s lips twisting into a sinister smile and it feels as if Nines has been punched in the stomach when he sees his brother’s grinning face, his breathing suddenly getting much heavier despite his previous efforts to even it out earlier.</p>
<p>Connor rarely uses Nines’ real name.</p>
<p>“I didn’t lie,” Nines says, trying to convince himself more than Connor,</p>
<p>“You’ve tried to <em>escape</em> the past, you’ve tried to <em>escape</em> me, Richie,” Connor lets out a long sigh, using a nickname he hadn’t heard since he was seven when all of this had initially began.</p>
<p>“But you can’t,” Connor approaches closer towards Nines and he can’t move once again, it’s as if his older brother had cast some sort of spell on him, causing him to be stuck in place, unable to move a single muscle at all.</p>
<p>“No matter who you tell, no one will ever <em>believe</em> you, dear Richie.” he feels those familiar hands roaming his body, squeezing him in places he doesn’t want to be touched in, he lets out countless screams, and yet no sound comes out of his mouth. He can feel his brother’s hands groping him vividly, the touches <em>burning</em> into his skin, burns being left behind from each and every unwanted touch inflicted upon him.</p><hr/>
<p>Nines jolts awake, breathing heavily and glancing around his surroundings, greeted by the sight of a familiar ceiling and the comfort of his own bed, realizing that he’s in his apartment, coming to the conclusion what he had experienced had been a nightmare of some sorts and he lets out a gasp of relief. He feels wet against his bedsheets and realized he had been sweating, sweating immensely from the unpleasant dream he had.</p>
<p>He hasn’t thought about his older brother in ages and yet, every time he does, it sends him into an extremely bad mental state.</p>
<p>It is June after all.</p>
<p>His worst month.</p>
<p>His older brother can’t hurt him, can’t lay his hands on him as of now and it’ll always remain that way. They haven’t seen each other in years, and Nines wants it to stay like that, he doesn’t <strong><em>ever</em> </strong>want Connor to be in his life, not after <em>everything</em> he’d put Nines through.</p>
<p>He feels overwhelmingly upset.</p>
<p>He doesn’t understand why he’s so upset but he rolls over, bringing his hands to his face and begins to quietly sob, fat tears rolling down his cheeks and he tries his best to breathe, tries his best to not think about what had happened.</p>
<p>It doesn’t help.</p>
<p>It doesn’t <em>fucking</em> help at all.</p>
<p>Nobody will ever understand what Nines had gone through as a child.</p>
<p>He’s aware that It hadn’t been anything more than just gropes, gropes that had begun when he was seven. There’s been so many people who have gone through much worse than him and yet he can’t help but let out a loud sob, and cry from how violated he’s felt throughout his entire life, from how disgusted he feels when he thinks about his childhood.</p>
<p>It wasn’t <em>normal</em>.</p>
<p>It never was, it never had been.</p>
<p>He remembers when Connor had demanded that Nines kiss him, on the lips, not anywhere else.</p>
<p>Why hadn’t he realized how wrong it was sooner?</p>
<p>Nines finds himself shuttering at the memory, tries to block it from his mind, and yet it keeps coming back, and his sobs only become louder and louder, and he tries his very best to calm himself down, to steady his ragged breathing yet he can’t when he’s this upset.</p>
<p>He never <em>once</em> enjoyed it when Connor touched him.</p>
<p>He knows that many people have been through much worst, like one of his closest friends, North, but that does little to ease the aching pain in his heart. North’s assailant is locked away while his assailant will never face any charge for what he has done, for the damage he’s inflicted upon Nines.</p>
<p>It’s <em>unfair</em>.</p>
<p>Life is unfair and it always has been.</p>
<p>He hates talking about what he had endured, having only mentioned it to three people. Two who he’s no longer in contact with anymore. One he had been beyond thankful and relieved to leave behind when he finally realized he should and the other individual being...</p>
<p><em>Gavin</em>.</p>
<p>He wishes that Gavin was here, holding him tightly and reassuring him that everything’s okay.</p>
<p>But wishes don’t come true.</p>
<p>He finally manages compose himself, wiping away his tears and eventually is able to steady out his heavy breathing, gazing blankly at the ceiling.</p>
<p>Nines is going to be <em>okay</em>.</p>
<p>There are things that he’ll never be able to change, he cannot change how much he’s hurt people, how much he’s let his trust issues get the best of him, and pushed those who have only wanted to help him, away.</p>
<p>And he’s genuinely sorry for everyone he’s hurt throughout his life.</p>
<p>He’s not a victim, he’s a survivor, doing his best to make it through each and every day.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Going through something doesn’t make you a victim, it makes you a survivor. </p>
<p>Thank you for reading this, it is something rather difficult to write about. </p>
<p>Leave a comment or kudos if you’ve enjoyed.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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